Her I am sitting in my living room with two good friends, one is playing the guitar (he is a genius by the way), she is trying to find a song she used to play while she lived here and I am surely enjoying the company. Sad part of the story is that her vacation is over and she is flying back home.
I love having friends overseas but saying “see you later” is really turning in a never-ending game and it is getting old. I guess this is my first life:unmasked post (and hopefully it will not be the last one).
There is a game I like to play every time I have to talk to new groups. We all have to stand up and form a circle, we pass a ball from hand to hand and there are two things I ask you to answer “what is your biggest virtue and what is your biggest fear?” It’s quite funny to find out that virtues are the one´s people answers at the end and it takes us long time to find. But fears are almost the same: our own deaths, losing someone we love, stay alone, darkness, spiders or crazy things like been afraid to balloons. Losing someone I love and staying alone are some of my own fears (not leaving a legacy in the world is something I also fear)
The past few years I have lost one of my best friends when he was killed. I have lost my grandma and many other good friends that are now enjoying the presence of the Lord and I have overcome the pain but I miss them deeply, is something that will never change.
On the other hand, my family has moved away and some of my really good best friends have moved back home (far far away from my home) and I haven’t lost them but it is not the same. Don’t get me wrong I have meet soooo many great people from USA, UK, Canada, Australia, China, Spain, Norway, Sweden and I am sooooo thankful for their lives. But the thing is that I claim to be independent since I was too young. I claim not needing anyone but God in my life. I claim to have the strength to give as much as I can without expecting anything in change. But lately I am getting to a point were letting new people get in to my life, deeper than “hello – how is the weather – everything is ok – see you later” is getting to old and honestly it is becoming really difficult.
Why? I really don’t know. But trusting, loving, caring and investing time in people when you know they will not be there for you, or just not be there soon feels like a big stupid thing to do, because there is a 90% of a chance of getting heart. As a stupid as it sounds it feels like my heart, my life, is just like a hotel where people just comes in and out all the time. I feel really frustrated some times (I enjoy getting to know new people, I really do! But then its “see you later” tima and I miss having them around).
I know there is nothing I can do to change it. It is just the way it works. But sometimes I wonder why do we keep doing it? Why do we give people a change, why do we give our self the chance?
I guess the answer is that we were not created to be alone but the only constant in our life is and it will be GOD. THE ONE who knows us from the very beginning and will hold us till the end.
“My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.”
Psalm 139:15-16 (NIV)
And I need to understand that we are never alone! And that GOD CARES!
“Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.”
Psalm 27:10 (NIV)
I will enjoy every moment that God gives me with everyone that I have the blessing to get into my life, even if it’s only 24 hours ;). I have some amazing friends and people around right know that have been here for ever! (or since first grade 🙂 ) and the ones that are far away are still there with FB, Skype or other Social Media that helps us to keep in touch . But even though I know God is with me and he will never forsake me. I hate saying “see you later” or “goodbye” I wish I fill find and excuse to make them stay longer and I am struggling to let people get close to my life because of this. WHAT IS YOUR STRUGGLE??