I have been moving all the furniture in my house trying to avoid to write and UNMASKED post today because I know it’s going to hurt! but then again, honesty is need it in this blogging world right?? So here we go:
– “Wait for me” where my last words till I got out of my house that day. – A year ago on my way to work I was thinking “I should write the obituary now, before it actually happens and we forget some names”- strange thought for a normal day right? – “I will do it tonight, I said”.
I spend all morning working like crazy and at lunch time my boss told me that I had to stay to have lunch with the team. I said “No, more than ever I need to be home. She needs me, I can´t miss more lunch times” (inside of me I was thinking: Why are you been sooooo dramatic!) and I took my purse and left to have lunch at home. I did not know that was going to be our last lunch together.
I got home, had my lunch and came running up the stairs, as I used to do for the last 2 years to spend my “nap time” with my grandma, to ask silly questions as: how was your Mexican telenovela today?? Are we watching a silly love movie tonight? What have you done all morning? NO, please don’t trough that pillow in my head again! You need to take your pills. But today she was quiet. The nurse told me she did not say a word all morning, nothing! She did not open her eyes and she was really tier. (She was sick for 4 years at that time, she had pulmonary fibrosis and a beginning of senile dementia, and some other things due to her lung problems).
I didn´t want to wake her up; she looked so tiered, so I found my usual spot, upon the blanquettes on her legs. I grabbed her hands, she was so cold!. I put my alarm on my cellphone and slowly put it down my pillow. I wasn’t able to sleep, I heard that strong and horrible noise, it was like that sound you can hear before something bad happens, deep and strong. It was death!. So I grabbed her hands strongly and pray “Lord, don’t let her suffer much!” but I did not think it was going to be so fast!. Then I woke her up! MAMI ARE YOU OK? (I used to call her mom). She turned around, opens her beautiful and lost almost-green eyes and said “Don’t worry. It will be ok” so I went back to sleep.
My alarm never sounded, I WAS LATE TO WORK! I jumped from the bed; kiss her, said “I LOVE YOU” run down the stairs to my room to brush my tees in the middle of it my celphone rang “VOLVE! La mami está muerta VOLVE se murió” (COME BACK! Mom is dead, COME BACK she died”. It was my uncle that is more like my big brother. I run back to the room. It was true! (She waited for me!)
The nurse was in shock near to the door. My grandpa was sleeping so we did not know how to tell him. We just looked to each other trying not to cry so the other one will not break. We called everyone. We called the doctor first and he said don’t do anything till I get there. But I could stay like that so I change her before she was to cold. Everyone started to come, we were all crying. It just didn’t make sense, it was too fast! We were not ready! But honestly WHO IS READY TO SAY GOOD BYE?!
After the doctor came and said she was “officialy” death, after we made all the calls we need it to (including calling my mon to the other side of the world and telling her the bad news!), after all family got together (for real, in less than 20 minuts everyone was home!), after the funerary guys took my grandma out of the house to prepare her for the ceremony, after one of my biggest fears became real again! (Losing someone I love), my causing and I sat down on the floor at my grandma´s room, we opened a window, we light up a candle and cry like babies for hours!, the only thing left to do, right?
Today is the first anniversary of my grandma’s death and I miss her dearly! I still think this is all a big nightmare but it is not. I don’t want to depress you (or me again) that is why I want to tell you some of the good stuff I end up learning here, in between the struggle.
1.- As King David once said “I WILL GO TO HIM” (when his son died) and this is so true for us! We will go to her. THERE IS MORE THAN THIS!
2.- We, humans, were not created for death, we were created for eternity but then sin came in the picture. That is why death does not make sense to us. BUT JESUS HAS OVERCOME! “… that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have ETERNAL LIFE” John 3:16.
3.- My family ended up been more united than ever. Her love for God and for one another is the biggest inheritance we have from her. LOVE LAST FOREVER.
4.-Jesus understands my pain and he does not ask me to be strong! When Lazarus died, Jesus cried! He knew he was going to see him soon, he knew about resurrections, HE IS RESURRECTION and still He cried. I believe He know how do we feel when we lose someone we love and He cried for and with us!.
5.-” I love the intense color of my dreams” was something my grandma wrote and I love it! I will miss her forever but I CHOOSE JOY over pain.
I really believe this Mark Schultz song:
“For anybody who has ever lost a loved one
And you feel like you had to let go too soon
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But don’t you know it’s just a matter of time till the tears are gonna end
You’ll see them once again and in that moment
Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
That God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, everyone will see
That God is love and love has come for us all”
Let’s take a moment to pray for everyone we know (including us) that has lost someone, so God can be our strength and He can help us overcome the pain but never forget the joy!
(And just if you are wondering, yes It hurt!!! It hurt to write about it! It hurts not having her here but I do believe I will see her in heaven because we have the same Lord and Savior! And we accepted him in our heart and try to live our life on his way! So my tears are salty but full of hope!)
In an effort to become more honest and authentic in this blogging idea, I’ve joined Joy (an amazing blogger I got the opportunity to know some months ago), in sharing about life: unmasked in my IN BETWEEN. How? sharing some of my struggles, faith questions, and failures.